Stedman, I was waiting for you the other night in Greektown at Dugan’s.
You are one busy guy, but I know you’re hurting because of those stories in the Enquirer about how Oprah might not love you anymore.
I just want you to know, at the risk of sounding like I’m an Oprah Winfrey guest, that I am here for you, buddy.
If you need to cry in your beer, Dugan’s is a pretty good place.
Some friends and I were talking, and we have come up with a few ideas for you to keep Oprah in the stable.
She really wants a guy to look up to. She is Ms. Freakin’ Oprah Windfrey, after all. More money than god, and what she says goes. Ask Barrack Obama. She is making him. She looks at a book and it’s a best seller. She wants a little direction at home. Somebody to take charge. So here’s a few ideas:
Boxing: with her. I know it sounds extreme. But it’s to get the blood flowing (if you know what I mean). Take her to a practice ring and get a crusty old boxing coach to give you a few lessons and start waling on each other. I guarantee by the time you’re finished Oprah will look at you as quite the mench.
Get Oprah a trailer:. Yes, the type Jerry Springer guests live in. Oprah has mansions here and mansions there, and your digs are pretty good. Why not take it raw and low and get her an old single unit? Find a nice trailer park and mix with the locals. She will love slumming it.
Cook some “Guy’s Chili”: The “Big Game” is coming up. Instead of going over to her frilly laced living room to watch football –for god’s sake, man!– have her over to your place. Don’t use ground beef in the chile. Use an entire chuck roast and some chunky country pork ribs. I’ve got the recipe for you later. Also, let your place get a little messy. Give the maid a week off. Women like a guy who’s not cleaner and neater than she is. Burp a little too. Maybe even rip a good long one. Don’t be so consulting-like polite!
Hunting: What a blast! You don’t have to do the African safari thing. Borrow a Browning and maybe rustle up some venison. I’ve got some land in Michigan with a deer blind that the locals use. You are Oprah are welcome to it.
Drinking Contest: No fancy wines or liqueurs here. Take Mr. Jack off the shelf and use that good stuff. Again and again. Maybe you can watch Oprah Winfrey reruns, and when she cries you chug. You’ll both be smashed in no time. Then, then…. you are staring at each other and ripping at clothes.
Let’s face it, Sted. Most of us guys have to dress up pretty and talk nice to people. You’re a consultant, says your web site. That means $2000 suits and no dirt under the finger nails. Women are okay with it, but they will love it if you get down and dirty once in a while.
You don’t want to look like a girl, do you? Oprah can find new girlfriends anywhere, but if you’re a guy’s guy you’re a hot commodity.
I’ll be at Dugan’s New Year’s Day for a little hair of the dog. I’ll see you then. Do what I tell you and life will be good with the old Op.