Gordon Ramsay may not be able to speak with an American accent but he sure can turn up the heat in the kitchen. I’ve been watching him since the beginning of Hell’s Kitchen and have continued to stay tuned even now through the BBC’s marathon of Kitchen Nightmare’s re-runs and throughout all of it these are the most important things I’ve learned.
1. French food sucks. Although I have never actually eaten French food, Gordon wrinkles his nose in disgust every time he confronts a French chef. He doesn’t really say their food sucks but he does seem to like to refer to all French chefs as French bastards so I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that French cuisine is terrible. No way am I going to eat French food. Ok, well I will if it’s French fries.
2. Bollocks should be a part of everyone’s vocabulary. Gordon says bollocks so often that I’ve come to love the way it sounds. I can’t wait to use it every chance I get. I look forward to standing in the aisle at the grocery store just so I can say bollocks loud enough for everyone to stare at me with a confused look on their face. It’s such fun; try it with me. Just shout, Bollocks!
3. Always say “Yes Chef!” with enough enthusiasm to turn the wallpaper into jello. The natural balance of the earth’s rotation in the universe highly depends on every person in every kitchen across the world remembering to say, “Yes Chef!” No exceptions are tolerable.
4. Only Gordon Ramsay knows how to have a successful restaurant. Forget thinking there are any other successful eateries out there because Mr. Ramsay doesn’t think so unless he’s been there to help them out. Gordon knows everything about food, cooking, dining and restaurants. You can tell because he doesn’t use a cook book.
5. My menu would be considered a heaping pile of dog crap by him. As much as I would love to hear what Mr. Ramsay would have to say about my home cooking, I’m afraid he would tell me my palate resembles a camel’s backside. He apparently has a palate that no one else in the world can compare to and he would probably faint if I served him a dish of my family’s favorite meal simply called stuff.
6. Gordon Ramsay has a delicate stomach. He pukes before his stomach has had time to digest what it has ingested. He was teaching a young man how to cook and decided to sample one of his scallops. Only seconds later Gordon had to run out the back door while the camera crew filmed him barfing. He continued to barf for several more minutes thus eliminating more food than just the mere scallop he ate so it seems that Mr. Ramsay’s stomach does not need as much time to register bad food as the rest of ours do.
7. Anything said in Gordon’s accent should be said to me. How I do love that Scottish brogue. Between his vulgar language, constantly creasing brow and thick accent I could swoon. I knew a Scottish man once; showed me his kilt, he did and told me I had the best…umm never mind.
Gordon if you’re reading this send me an email. I’d love to have you scream bollocks in my face, it turns me on.