If you are not going to listen to Rev. Billy of the Church of Stop Shopping to take it easy during the holiday season, you probably won’t listen to me. That’s a shame because, let’s face it, I’ll wager you don’t even remember 75% of what you received or gave last Christmas. It’s a racket, is what. But if you absolutely must go out in search of a gift for everyone from your boyfriend Brad to your cousin’s “significant other” Steve then please remember that the holiday season is like a sweeps month for purse snatchers. And if the rest of America is anything like along the Gulf Coast where the dregs of New Orleans who were displaced as a result of Pres. Bush’s plan to teach the poor a lesson for not voting for him, then purse snatching isn’t just relegated to those with long-strapped pocketbooks hanging loosely over their shoulders.
First rule of thumb is to do away with purses with long straps between Thanksgiving and Christmas Day. The longer the strap, the more inviting a target. The typical purse snatching incident involves a snatcher running up from behind the oblivious victim and using the force of his forward motion to create enough inertia to move the arm away from the body for a lightning quick snap of the purse away from the body. By the time you’ve gotten past your shock, the professional purse snatcher has disappeared into a sea of bodies. The easiest way to avoid this unpleasant circumstance is to reduce the temptation. Whether you’ve green eyes, blue eyes, or gray eyes, a purse snatcher is far less likely to take a chance on you if he sees that this attack won’t be easy. The tighter over your arm and the closer to your body and the closer to our armpit the purse is located, the better your chances of going home with the purse what you brung. That is not to say that a number of purse snatching victims have not had their faces driven into the ground by a particularly ferocious assault that does not truck with women holding purses with a short strap. Then there are those who take purse snatching really serious and whip out their symbolic penis in the form of that little piece of metal that the Supreme Court refuses to make owners Constitutionally responsible for by placing the restriction of membership in an active militia ahead of the right to own and bear a gun. If it becomes a question of your purse or your life, just remember your purse is worth nothing to you dead. In fact, that’s a sage piece of advice always worth remembering.
Down here along the Gulf Coast we’ve been experiencing a new form of purse snatching that occurs when someone stops at a gas station. While their attention is focused on pumping gas, the perpetrator steals alongside the passenger door and quickly and stealthily opens the door and absconds with purses, laptops, cell phones, iPods or anything else of interest. On rare occasions, this is done even when someone is actually sitting inside the car with the window rolled down. Here is how to handle this. If by chance you happen to notice that an unsavory character is approaching your vehicle under any circumstances, first try to get the window rolled up. If there is no time to do than and the potential thief does manage to get an arm through the open window, try grabbing and using the leverage in your favor to hurl the person’s face against the doorjamb or roof with such force as to permanently dislodge at least a few teeth. If you can, try next to twist the arm with the intention of breaking it or at least causing additional severe pain. If you catch a potential purse snatcher, or any kind of attacker, off-guard enough to totally surprise him, use those few extra seconds to grab a set of keys, a pen or even better a knife and thrust it into whatever part of the arm you can. And finally, if you happen to be in the driver’s seat, do you best to start the can and gun it as fast as you can until you get up to around at least thirty or forty miles per hour. At that point let go of the attacker’s are and slam on the breaks. The look on his bloody and ravaged face when he gets up from kissing the asphalt about twenty or thirty feet away from you will be sweeter than you can imagine. And you will probably have made him think twice about continuing on his current career path.