BSNEWS Exclusive: We have obtained a copy of this summer movie preview from the North Korean Entertainment Ministry.
GREETINGS from the most glorious nation of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea!
Where we are fortunate to have the most glorious and virile leader Kim Jong-Il:
…who won gold medals at the Beijing Olympics in all sports.
…who eats lightning and poops sunshine.
…who can divide by zero.
…who sends the enemies of our nation running in fear of his mighty shiny forehead of infinite power.
…whose poofy hair is the envy of all world leaders, fashionable men, and Hollywood A-listers.
…who can stand next to a mountain and chop it down with the edge of his hand.
…to whom Satan sold his soul.
…who single handedly won the Heisman Trophy, the World Cup, the Super Bowl, the World Series, the Stanley Cup and the NBA Finals…all before 9 AM this morning.
This summer will see a NEW ERA of Kim Jong-Il’s awesomeness as we present a slate of new HISTORICALLY ACCURATE documentaries depicting the infinite power and might of the Glorious Leader.
Transform-Ils: Revenge of the Fallen: In this documentary, Kim Jong-Il battles capitalist robots from outer space, reunifies Korea, and makes out with Megan Fox…who’s totally hot for Kim Jong-Il.
The Jongover: In this heart-warming documentary, the Great Leader goes to the capital of America, Las Vegas, where he finds a group of ne’er-do-wells suffering from the depravity of capitalism. He provides field guidance to them, and they are transformed into hard-working revolutionaries, who migrate to our country just so the aura of the Great Leader’s pheromones might revitalize them nightly.
Land of the Lost: This frighteningly accurate documentary about everywhere besides Our Great Nation takes a look at what life without Kim Jong-Il is like: People forced to live in caves, running in terror from dinosaurs, and facing extermination from capitalist reptile alien sleestax creatures. Only the leadership of Kim Jong-Il can guarantee prosperity and keep the dinosaurs and sleestax at bay!
GI Jong: In this documentary, the Great Leader takes on the combined forces of capitalism and wins. Using the power of his steely gaze, Kim Jong-Il has the enemies of socialism cowering in fear of his enormous manhood. All hail our Glorious Leader!
Star Trek: Mighty Kim Jong-Il carries the socialist revolution into space where he boldly goes where no capitalist has the gonads to go and delivers his message of peace, justice and socialism to the far reaches of the known universe, conquers the evil capitalist Klingons….and makes out with Uhura, who’s totally hot for Kim Jong-Il.
Join your revolutionary brethren at the local cinema to view the documentary of your choice!