Stephen King reportedly leaves his home during Halloween season to escape the demands and expectations of his neighbors. Most mere mortals do not have this luxury – or understanding neighbors. Then again, maybe King has awakened to more toilet paper parties in his yard than he admits.
Maybe you don’t celebrate holidays or consider Halloween a frivolous attempt to imitate one. Perhaps childless, you find that Halloween is good for extracting money out of your wallet while improving the bank account of the local dentist. This for kids you don’t know or care about – except the boy that delivers the local shopper, perhaps.
Whether you hate Halloween because of childhood issues (Did you mom dress you in a shower cap and clown makeup too?) or you simply don’t want to be bothered during your Law in Order reruns, you have rights too.
After all, it is your lawn that these sugar-dazed zombies are trampling on.
Rather than sit in your dark house pretending not to be home on Halloween night, stop cowering and take action. Try these pre-emptive strikes to keep the trick-or-treaters off your doorstep.
Bio-Hazard Warning: Google some images of bio-hazard symbols, biological contaminants work the best. Print or draw the symbol on poster board and place the signs in a conspicuous spot. Add supportive text, such as “This house has been quarantined by the CDC.” Note: If you live in the country this may attract trick-or-treaters looking for a good Halloween show, such as a two-headed calf.
Crime Scene Tape: This works particularly well in depilated neighborhoods. In the burbs it may resemble a Halloween hoax. “Awww ain’t that cute?” However, be prepared for post-Halloween inquiries from your neighbors, if not the police.
Adopt-a Pet: Now is the time to get that Pit Bull you always wanted. Just place the hungry pup in a strategic spot in your front yard. Afterwards, take the money you saved on Halloween candy and buy a T-Bone for you and him after guard duty is done.
Smells that Say Go Away: For less observant trick-or-treaters and parents who can’t take a hint, this trick works rather well. Strategically place Limburger, Stilton or Munester cheese around the doorway or yard. This Halloween warfare tactic is best suited for warmer climates.
Give a Treat No One Wants: Maybe you have a reputation to uphold on Halloween night, if not the rest of the year. Treats may be expected. Besides, you don’t want your house egged.
Post a sign concerning your regrets (e.g. the dog ate the candy) and lay out a pot filled with popcorn balls. Add a notice: Please only take one. Don’t worry, they should last the whole night.
If You Hate Halloween, Should You Just Fess Up?
While these Halloween warfare tactics make life easier for those who hate Halloween, they are not entirely truthful. Wouldn’t it be better just to put a note on the door that says, “Sorry no candy” or “Halloween is Evil” or “I Deal with Horror Every Day at Work”?
For some reason the truth doesn’t bade well on Halloween night. You are less of a scrooge if you don’t celebrate Christmas – a bit of political irony here, but that is a different topic.
Of course, Halloween has millions of fans of all ages, hence the problem for conscientious objectors. Between the chance to be someone you’re not and an excuse to freely eat (or drink) all the junk you shouldn’t, what’s not to like?
If you don’t celebrate Halloween you are a party-pooper and there are few worse villains than that, apparently.
Then again, could it be that more people hate Halloween than care to admit, and if they have to suffer they demand you do too?
Note from author: This writer has paid her Halloween dues, simply doesn’t dig the holiday much but indulges others if no good reruns are on, does not endorse animal cruelty or popcorn balls, and may be seen fleeing the area on Halloween Eve to avoid being burnt at the stake.