Glory, hallelujah, another day of high school! A fantastic place to catch up on all that sleep you missed last night, and wallow in your own self pity for six hours. Yes, teenage life seems horrendous; however, if you happen to be awake, you might notice that your teachers are in worse condition than you are. Go ahead, take a look.
Period 1: Mrs. Space Cadet – Ah! A fresh day, school is so promising now. Well, not for long. Here is Mrs. Space Cadet chugging her herb infused teas to ruin your day quickly. Even the kids that have already dozed off are more aware of their surroundings than this teacher. Her head is like a helium balloon that someone let go. Each day it drifts further into the clouds, and somehow that balloon is also a vacuum, sucking students up with it. This class may seem to drag on, for in space, there is no time.
Period 2: Mr. Humdrum – This guy may be worse than Mrs. Space Cadet, for although he will put you to sleep at the same rate, his head is not filled with helium, but years of monotonous busy work. Even after grading the same worksheets for over thirty years, he still manages to maintain his sanity by randomly showing his favorite World War I videos. Unfortunately, he is still aware of his surroundings, too, so try not to fall asleep here. It really doesn’t matter if you do a great job or not, because he won’t care. Just make sure to keep your head up, finish your worksheets on time, and try to be as miserable as him; fun isn’t his forte. You can wish all you want for a substitute, but you don’t stand a chance. Besides, even if it ever happened, you could be sure that he’d leave a nice video on the Allied Powers.
Period 3: Mr. New Guy – Finally, someone that likes his students. Perhaps that’s because his students are only five years younger than he is. Perhaps it’s because he hasn’t taught the same lessons twenty-eight years in a row. Perhaps he just loves to teach. Well, probably not the latter. The good thing is you can get away with stuff in this class. Mr. New Guy has no teacher friends in the school, and has no choice but to make friends with his students. This can be an enjoyable class, and for 50 minutes, you may actually think learning is fun. Enjoy this while you can because in a few years, he will be the new Mr. Humdrum.
Period 4: Mrs. Fossil – Mrs. Fossil has been in this profession way too long. Her chances to try anything exciting and new are long gone. She’s asleep, she’s ornery, and she has more dust on her than your old eight track tapes. Just keep quiet here; it will be lunch time soon.
Period 5: Lunch Lady Boil – Ahh, lunch time, you can finally sit down, relax, and eat one of mom’s delicious sandwi… what’s that? You forgot your lunch? Well, don’t fret. Lunch Lady Boil will save the day. Lunch Lady Boil probably forgot to brush her teeth this morning, but she definitely didn’t forget her trusty slotted spoon. Her hair continues to diminish over the years, as kids find a strand in their cream of potato. Actually, your safest bet would be to eat some crayons from the art room. At least then you’ll know for sure that what you eat is non-toxic.
Period Six: Mrs. Dip – It looks like you’ll at least have a good period to digest those crayons. Today you’ll be watching three movies, and if you’re good, the class can make popcorn! Don’t like movies? Mrs. Dip has tons of magazines to choose from! Don’t like magazines? Take a nap! Mrs. Dip is high on life. She doesn’t know much about anything, and seems to like it that way. Sadly, this period will go by the fastest, so enjoy it. Ignorance is bliss.
Period 7: Mr. Wonderful – When you look in the mirror and talk to yourself long enough, you get sick of it. However, if you don’t get sick of yourself, you become Mr. Wonderful. Your class time won’t be very productive here, for Mr. Wonderful loves himself too much to teach. He always has a story to tell, and doesn’t quite care to hear yours. He’s been everywhere, done everything, is smarter than you, older than you, has better hygiene than you, better morals than you, and better hobbies than you. You will never be better than Mr. Wonderful.
Period 8: Coach – Finally, the day is almost over, but not before you get your socks sweaty and your face as greasy as a pizza pie. Here comes Coach. Coach never liked to be challenged academically, and thus, his only available career position was gym teacher. He tries hard to associate with the real teachers, but just can’t do it. He is a drain on society, and can only utter a few choice words like, “dodge ball”, and, “weights”. One day he was just like you, a hopeless being stuck in high school. Actually, he is still just like you; he just gets to wear a whistle now.
And so ends your day at high school. If you’re lucky you can hop in your dad’s Corvette and stop by the drive-in restaurant on the way home. Unfortunately, you’re not lucky so you can ride the bus with the Freshmen. While you’re on board, why not think about what you learned today. Not from the lessons, of course. Maybe you realized, however, that paying attention in school might be a good choice after all. You might just wind up like your teachers if you don’t. Now go be a good student, and teach those Freshman what you learned.