Anyone who plays pick up basketball eventually runs into certain annoying subsets of player “types” that ruin the entire game with their vexing tactics that get under skin like a bad case of eczema. These specimens of irritation always seem to hang around the court and chances are you probably fit one of these stereotypes.
Let’s get fat, sweaty guy who plays shirtless out of the way. Remember that scene from Along Came Polly where Ben Stiller and Philip Seymour Hoffman play basketball and fat guy gets his slim on Ben Stiller’s character? Watching that scene says more about the fat, sweaty shirtless guy than any words. If you run across him (and you will) and take the challenge of guarding him, I believe God reserves a special place in heaven for your soul.
The just barely missed out on the NBA guy places second on the players that ruin pick up games list. He (or she) stands half a foot taller than the rest of the midgets on the court, runs faster than anyone and drains jumpers like Kobe Bryant. This prototypical athlete probably missed out on a great basketball career because he had no other decent competition in his small town and just could not handle the great competition of Division I college basketball. As retaliation he shall forever own the rec center leagues where everyone passes him the ball and watches him dunk over the five-ten white guy guarding him. Your only fun during the game occurs when the superstar makes a random pass and you brick that open three, causing him put the team on his shoulders and try this passing thing next week. After hitting the gym he goes back to his crummy McJob and two nagging kids wondering why he never made it big.
The wannabe coach knows more basketball than all of ESPN commentators combined. Miss you defensive assignment? Wannabe coach chews you out the entire game. Your team on game point? Wannabe coach draws up a sneaky backdoor play that could make Phil Jackson proud. Coach will correct your shooting form, defensive stance and even your religious views. When not at pick up games making you run suicides coach spends his time at the local YMCA making kids run dribbling drills.
The great at any sport other than basketball guy brings his great athleticism but little else to a pick up game. This amazing athlete can do anything from run a five minute mile or hit a home run and naturally assumes that he can cross you over like Allen Iverson and rain threes like Reggie Miller. The great athlete hogs the ball and throws up shots over triple teams until he actually makes one and uses that justify his five halfcourt three point attempts.
Finally, the “What is basketball?” probably called next because his buddies made him tag along so he gets a little reprieve, but the never plays basketball still makes life hell. He can not dribble to save his life nor does he feel comfortable making a simple pass. Newbie basketball usually holds the ball until his pressures him and gets an easy steal. The defender will also leave him wide open and newbie basketball guy gets about twenty shots a game, making roughly one or two. You really can not get angry at him because he still tries his best with his limited skills which makes you even more angry at him.
If you happen upon any of these players just simply run, run home get some friends and play a pick up game between yourselves because these annoying types of players pretty much any desire to get in shape and improve your game.