One day, I was playing Guitar Hero II, rocking so hard that parts of my fingers were falling off, when everything on the screen stalled up.
“Hell yeah!” I thought. “I rocked hard enough to stall the game!”
Unfortunately, though, it was my house’s Xbox 360 taking a massive dump and breaking. Any time it was turned on, it would stutter like a nervous school child before making a loud crunching sound. From checking Microsoft’s website, I knew that this was not typical.
I live in a house with 3 other dudes, and we decided to chronicle the repair experience in journal form, to inform the public of Microsoft’s Xbox Repair system and to make an assload of money, which we’d use for illegal narcotics. Here’s the story.
Day 1: We called in and talked to some Indian dudes about our broken, piece of shit Xbox. After describing the problems several times in English, Bengali, and once in Latin (long story), we were told that a repair box was being sent to the house. “Shit yeah!” we said before hanging up.
Day 4: Box finally arrives. There’s some foam to hold the Xbox, some tape, and instructions that look like they were printed off of a Lexmark Val-U printer. I packaged the Xbox up and sent it.
Day 10: We’re really freaking out, because we haven’t played Guitar Hero II in ten days now. Sure, we’ve got it on Playstation, but we didn’t buy an HD TV to play Playstation.
To compensate, we’ve been watching a lot of TV, in particular Tyra Banks,who has a clinical condition known as “being completely batshit insane.” Rather than feed our entertainment needs, this has led to a high degree of tension and violence in the house, and since we don’t have any video game aliens to beat the hell out of, we’ve been turning on each other.
I’ve taken to hiding in dark, damp areas and waiting for my house mates to pass, jumping from the shadows to rip at their necks with a makeshift arrowhead I made out of an old soda bottle.
Day 13: Xbox is still not here. We ate the dog.
Day 15: We’re beginning to wonder if Microsoft even cares about individual consumers at all. It’s almost as though they have billions of dollars, and essentially no incentive to care about faulty products or fast turnaround times. This is probably just our imagination.
Day 16: We’re considering calling Microsoft and asking what the fuck is taking so long, but we lost the envelope with our repair number on it. We think the dog may have eaten it before we ate him. Life is a motherfucking palindrome.
Day 20: Seriously, what the hell?
Day 25: Bought a Playstation 3.
Day 30: Playstation 3 overheated and broke. See Day 1.