So, if I put in an urgent call to Trojan, any chance they can hook me up? I know they make “Magnums” but that’s way too small. But I damn sure need to do something! Indeed, I need a full-body condom.
We will all agree that safe sex is the way to go for the non-monogamous dalliances. right? Don’t wanna get one of them there social diseases, right? What about poor Whiplash?
I spend my days all the way up their backsides. Don’t I deserve protection form Acquired Intelligence Deficiency Syndrome, or AIDS for short? What about that other near fatal social disease, Socialism? That one will damn near kill ya too! In fact this AIDS has killed more people than the other AIDS we are so familiar with. Ask millions upon millions of Soviets who died when Stalin and the boys got around to “Socializing” their nation.
I must protect myself from the exposure I must bear in order to do my work. Ya know, the work of exposing their drivel for the factual nonsense it is? Health care workers get all their shots to protect themselves from the spread of unwanted contamination by exposure to the ill and infirm.
Even the dentist will wear latex gloves these days, and I don’t have anything communicable, except of course intelligence, reason and a firm grip upon factual realities of history, science and politics. But for some reason all the contamination seems to travel from them to me, not the other way round.
Try as I might I cannot seem to contaminate these people. I beat ’em upside the noggin trying to get through to them. Sorta like beating one’s head against the proverbial immovable object. The only one who usually has a mark left on them is me. No worries though. I can take it, but obviously the opposition cannot seemingly do so well with it.
Turns out I am the one who needs the protection from them. Their diseases can be communicated to me, and that’s not good for anyone’s health. What if they were to contaminate ol’ Whiplash with the worst of all social diseases, Socialism? Few things can destroy ya like Socialism. Nope, damn sure don’t need that social disease. At least other social diseases are more fun to get!
And the first indication there is a problem is when a patient is admitted with AIDS – Acquired Intelligence Deficiency Syndrome. This is the first symptom of the social disease, Socialism. Once AIDS has manifest, intervention is prescribed – stat!
If the patient slips into a Socialist stupor, is there any chance they can be saved? Not likely!
Once AIDS manifest, closely followed by Socialism, the heart grows weak, the mind becomes clouded, no longer able to differentiate fact from wishes. The will to live free from the ravages of these diseases dissipates. Soon the patient is a drooling shadow of their former selves.
The next symptom is the loss of will to fight it. Pretty soon the doomed have lost what makes them Human – the desire to compete, to excel and to thrive. A malaise will encompass first the Man, then the soul, then the body politic. Soon there is little left, and nothing worth saving. For the sake of the patient, let them go . . . they’ll be better for it.
My health is at stake here folks. My constant exposure to the innards of these people forces me to run the risk of a fatal dose of the very same infirmities that so inflict and impair these poor, poor souls. Most are beyond help.
Pray for me folks, and get on board with my calls to Trojan to hook me up with the new “Full Body Condom.” Preferably reservoir tip for when I hurl, and of course, “Ribbed, for their pleasure!” After all, I want them to enjoy my raping their stupidity as much as I do, right? Who says I ain’t a nice guy? Poppycock!
AUTHOR’S NOTE: This was satire. The real disease AIDS is NO joke. Do not mistake a writer’s tool for anything other than that.