Although your marriage is over, it’s tough to let go of hurt, and often the bickering continuities. The best way to stop, is to consciously make a decision to end it. Maybe you cannot control your ex’s behavior, but you can certainly control your own. Grow up and realize that life isn’t always about being right. You may have valid points but unless your ex is willing to sit down and discuss things rationally, disagreements will spring up as fights, so sometimes, biting your tongue is the best way to keep the peace.
Constant bickering leaves your children in a limbo where they are fearing upsetting mommy and daddy. Making your children walk on egg shells, or feel like they can’t discuss one parent with the other forces your children to grow up faster than they should. One day having two parents together, and the next not, is difficult for some children to register. If you are constantly fighting with one another or talking about each other behind the other’s back, you send your child mixed signals. It breeds distrust.
Stop talking about your ex behind his back. Sure, it feels great to make fun of his little habits and constantly rehash how you were wronged in the relationship, but it ends up making you stagnant in your life. By reliving past hurts, you don’t open yourself up to move on, and you stay bitter and angry. Holding on to that negativity and hatred breeds bickering. It also breeds animosity which is transparent to your children.
Anyone who married, thought they would be with that person for life. So yes, you are entitled to feel hurt and distrustful. Be aware of your feelings, but also seek to see how you may have done things differently. The end of a marriage is not the end of a life. Decide that you will be grown up. You will stop bickering and you will find ways to learn from your past mistakes.
The sooner you and your ex can make the transition to realizing that you will always have a constant bond through your children the better. Knowing that you can never change that relationship and accepting that part of you will always be tied to the other helps facilitate the transition into dealing with the other. You are not married. You have no need to fight anymore. There is no “you” only “them.” Your hurts and not your children’s so let them go. Focus on the children and you will find that you are both of the same side much of the time. You both want what is best for your children, so approach any discussions from that stand point.