I am angry with God as I witness another loved one’s time being robbed, first my sis and now my bro. I see them stripped from their prime and think this curse I have endured too long. I feel the weight I have carried too many times. I am of the youngest siblings still alive and am aware while these occurrences continue to slip by I am given no notice. Yet I do not tell anyone I wish I could trade places. I fear they would take that out of context. As a result, I, stay remained inside this box where I experience guilt and torment.
I am angry with the man of cloth. I saw him come in to my house again to take a precious human life. Not many siblings do I have left. I wonder why he expects me to believe in him when he knows I have heard his spin. Nonetheless, I was told there is a rhyme a reason. I must believe in Him. I asked him to explain. I tell him one loss is too many. I then suggested why not take me instead because by compare I do not deserve living because I only take people for granted. I reminded him I have far less to live for and furthermore, I will not be missed. This is because I am a piece of—-
I suggest to this Supreme Being – a new expression now since I stopped believing in him – He took the wrong human being. Perhaps He was lost, got the wrong house because I swear it seemed He was just here yesterday. Nevertheless, I guess his list was not complete and Him taking he was more convenient. I never know or understand what makes one man or woman on a list while another being gets to skip. So I told this magistrate – a new synonym, and such a proper fit for what our Lord is delivering, “I have only sin to offer where my counterpart sibling”, I explained, “Is as innocent as a virgin”. Hence, I challenged this man from above, “Go ahead, ask my living sis”, but I doubt He even listened. Perhaps she was next on His list.
I recollect such events. I am up with them sunrise to sunset; I am sometimes awake dawn to dusk so little sleep I do get. I try to sleep but dreams consume me. I try to stay awake but my reality is scary. I, for that reason am stuck in between sleep and dream where I can only think about death, loss, and Him. So I return to thoughts. I have rage against God. I still have anger towards the victim, as I am not ready to forgive or forget. On top of, I am left with this damn nightly, dread – how unfair. Would it help, I asked myself, if I prayed for a chance to rid all my regrets. I wondered if I hopped back over the fence where sinning would cease and desist would salvation and grace from God let me back in
I wanted to re-join the land of the living, thinking I then could leave the thoughts of the dead except I found forced for now I am to face my own demons. I cannot ignore them, tuck them away under my bed, nor sweep them into my closet, as they will not disappear; moreover, I see them putting a toll on my present. I consequently, stay in the past.
Accordingly, I can only share this experience with a select few. I speak only to ones that know what I am going through. I found that only those people would appreciate and concur. I am certain they would have similar feelings and pain hard to ignore. I know this because they are the ones left. I, they are left to pick up the pieces. I, they go through this every time a loved one leaves us. Alas, I am exhausted from even talking about this. I am done with picking up others’ pieces. I knew the select few would understand why I am mad and tired. I could tell they knew I was ready to retire.
Thus, I, without a shock to anyone, on whim one day thought what if I dialed Him – God; I contemplated would He have an answer or a thought. I wondered would He continue his onslaught. I speculated what He would say, yet, I then got scared, what if He talked back? I feared what this would mean: Him talking back to me, I mean. I mused would he suggest that through rationale I should change my thoughts and hidden immoral acts. I knew if he did I would say kiss my—I then heard Him speak,
“How one leaves us is not important”. I said OK and continued to listen, did not want to miss his boring spiritual lessons. He said, “grasp their absence.” I nodded my head in the opposite direction of agreement. I was confused. I was told to acknowledge this new reality. That sounded somewhat bossy. Now I was amused! I thought what an absurd conversation to have with The Lord and how insensitive is His cure for the hurt. I then heard him admit his wrath as he hinted remorse would eventually settle in. I was ordered not to take a life I did not own. I pondered how He knew what I was thinking. I was reassured that the grief stages; well, there is no norm. I was not surprised when He uttered the words, “what I had was not an illness awaiting a cure”. I learned it might be years before this would be all over.
Conversely, now I would like to help those few who wish for exoneration. The ones, tired like me, of death and grief, and finding the experience of being alive and awake is less enjoying – yet, like everyone, we all sin and do not want to take that with us just in case we make it to heaven: if there is such a thing. I have something to say for those selective few. I will first tell them to get rid of all toxic thoughts; I will explain keep the love, let go of hate. I will empathize how difficult it was when I first tried this out, as this act had to be sincere and deliberate. I will insist to handle the grief one must stay on top. I will propose when the news of a loved ones passing away reaches us, we do not know what feelings to expect or know what we are going to say. I will tell them about my experiences following the loss of my siblings, “I at first also felt weak. I got tired I was not strong, I noticed others around during the wake were wired, but I did not feel I belonged.”
My tangent included advice such as, “I have lost two and it is untrue that one gets better at this. When discussing loss, experience does not matter when a heart is tattered and whether this death is the third or the first we always have to start over with our grief, stress, and remorse.”
I went on, “I thought at first, the others wired was because they had others to look after so they needed to keep their energy up and muster enough courage for the family members remaining. I was wrong; some are weak, some are strong, some are old, some are young, and some are couples while others, alone. Not everyone has others left to look after. Therefore, people are wired for reasons we will never know. Death can cause a host of emotions where none is wrong all is right. I sometimes heard tears and other times, laughter and that is when I learned, in grieving, loss and sorrow for people like you and I, not knowing what tomorrow will bring, all emotions and reactions belong and all feelings always matter”. Then I advised, “If this applies to you and me then it must apply to every human being.”
Moreover, I suggested in such cases when a loved one has departed us, I could guesstimate what first gut reactions would be, but I added, “beware this is only an approximate due to every death being unique and grieving patterns never set in stone. The reality is someone before together and now alone forever is different for every human being and this may not be in control by some Supreme Being.” I then recommended a different way to look at life. I offered, “The topic of today becomes how will people like we be able to mourn.” I asked them if prayer would do any good. I heard silence in the room. I now understood what their silence meant. I could tell they had already given up and saw prayers the way I did. Therefore, I deduced they were looking for another direction, maybe an excuse for giving up on their religion. So I then proceeded to answer my own question and I replied as if talking to me, but spoke aloud just incase they were listening in I exclaimed, “this is a crazy world what good is the Lord? I shouted, where is He? When I need him, I cannot find Him. And I, myself, after hearing His trash of gospel am only further convince
d that He is nothing but a liar.”
I included in my summation, “I possess nothing left to salvage for the siblings still alive and I do not even know why I am still around. Any strength or courage depleted so my resources run thin. Simply put, I do not belong here. I have seen too many deaths and I still have questions unanswered because I still cannot find Him”. I continued on, “I have seen too many people die, and you few deserve the truth. I have tried to find God; I talk to Him but I rarely see Him and even when I do, no solutions does He offer for people like you and me. For these and other reasons, I feel He is only here to intimidate, scold, and take. I am sick of His fear-mongering tactics since even following his path does me no good. I need new revelations or perhaps a different book. I hear no remorse for the lives He took, so today I decided to share my final adventure-like stories with you, the select few, but I have some news for you”. I declared to them, “Today is my last day for these types of tête-à-têtes. I now have to sort out my quandaries.”
I thanked them for listening but I reminded them that I, no longer believed as a Christian so future advice could be bias or misleading and for that reason, I could no longer have relationships that required that faith or necessitated people counting or leaning. I exclaimed, “I was moods away from misery. I have grown tired and weary of these responsibilities and I can no longer take them on. I am tired.”
I finalized our last get together, “I am tired of being awake when others; I know can sleep. I am tired of talking death when no one is brought back to me. Wired I am except now I see there is no one left I can help. I remembered that The Lord said it could take years before this torture is all over. Therefore, today, it would make sense to shift tense from present to past by announcing my plans of taking my thoughts to an entirely different level.” I added, “This is because I will not last. I have no one I can take care of so why am I playing this game of living when deep inside I feel so alone. It makes no sense since I do not enjoy living; furthermore, I talk to the Man, the Man with a plan, but God never listens. Alas, I wonder why I should hang on when I know that in fantasy lasting for eternity I would have much more fun being around the land of the dead. In fact, it would not be of any surprise if I found the change of scenery relieving, but don’t you do the same. You still have a reason for living.”
Later that night I found the nerve permanently to end my problems with dreams and sleeping. Today, although missed the ride to Heaven, I am happier than I have ever been.