Dear Ask Zuri,
I don’t know what to do! I have never been so depressed with my life on a male subject, ever! Me and M started seeing each other Christmas just gone. Everything was fine at first until he broke it to me that he was going away for 2 weeks with 15 of his single rugby friends. I don’t know, but my world felt like it had ended. As he would be the only attached person on holiday I felt like his mates (who I don’t trust 1 bit!) would be trying to push him in to things.
His mates are the type who always want him to go out and be single, live the single life and never have a girlfriend etc!
Anyway, it made the situation worse that I am not going on holiday this year and thought we would might book one together (pathetic as it seems), as I started to get my hopes up! The arguments started and we both knew what to do so we mutually ended it. Now I know I was very rational about the whole holiday situation but I want him back. And I know I should just let the holiday happen and trust him and forget about his friends, but there are other issues as well. I really feel that I’m ready to start a relationship that carries on to a serious level. He says he wants the same NOW, but when we were together it seemed he wanted to go out and drink all the time and I always came 2nd best!
I’ve tried everything to think maybe he is not the one. I’ve been out and tried to parade the men but the next day I feel empty and guilty and wish he was beside me. I’m scared he won’t change though and I’m scared that I will have to go over this same poll forever. I know it has not even been a year I just don’t know what to do any more! I feel so empty without him! What shall I do?
The answer here is quite obvious. Although you think you are in love with this man and want to be with him, you do not love who he really is. You love who you feel he is capable of becoming. In essence, you are in love with the fantasy more than the reality. And, the reality of the situation is that your love is not reciprocated because of the way you were treated. He wants to go out, drink with his friends and you always felt like second best. You even have doubts that he’ll ever change and prioritize you above his partying bachelor ways. The real question here is why do you want to be with a guy who treats you like this? You are wasting time waiting for him to change. You cannot change him if he is not truly ready for change. And, honestly, why would you want to force a guy to change? If he truly was ready for the type of relationship you are seeking, he would not just be paying you lip service by telling you he shares your goals for a serious future but would be showing you in his actions by balancing his free time between you and his friends and above all, making you feel special, appreciated and valued.
If this relationship were serious or moving in a serious direction, he would be planning holidays with you before making plans with his friends. But, he didn’t do that. He chose his friends over spending quality time with you. No one can be influenced into doing anything they don’t ultimately want to do, so even though you don’t trust his mates, if your ex wants to meet girls and hook up with them, then that is all on him. The trust issues really lie in your relationship with your ex and his behavior with you. Because if you truly believed in his fidelity, you’d know that no friend can force him to cheat on you. The bottom line here is that your ex lacks maturity and is not ready to be in a serious relationship. It’s time to move on from this relationship for good. It is not making you happy and only you can make yourself happy by finding closure and putting yourself first.
Breakups are never easy and can be downright painful. It can take weeks or even months to truly heal and be ready to find new love again. So, give yourself time to heal. Take a step back from dating for a while to become more comfortable being by yourself and not defining your happiness with a relationship. When you are afraid of being alone, you must work on self love and being happy with yourself first. And, only when you do that can you truly be ready to attract the types of men you desire who will offer you the serious commitment you ultimately want. Trust me, the right guy for you is still out there. You just have to believe that you deserve better and then be ready to receive it in your life by not settling for less!