Reality show stars and scary hair people Jon and Kate Gosselin have promised a “big announcement” on the next episode of their TLC program “Jon and Kate Plus 8”. Using my encyclopedic knowledge of reality television (I saw one entire season of “Joe Schmo”) and my keen deductive reasoning (one time I guessed the ending of an M. Night Shyamalan movie BEFORE the reveal) I give six guesses at to what the big announcement might be, despite having never seen the show.
Jon is getting a vasectomy:
Let’s face it, poor Jon’s sex life has got to be pretty dismal. Most people with two kids have a hard time finding an opportunity for an uninterrupted booty call without a kid crying, fighting, or poking his nose into the room at just the wrong moment. Imagine it times eight. Add to that the fact that he has to be terrified of getting any nookie at all for fear that his rabbit-DNA laden wife might get knocked up and that he skipped Health class on the day they taught the kids how to use condoms and it’s bad news all around. Rumor has it that Jon is taking matters into his own hands, well his doctor’s, and having a vasectomy. The name of the show will reportedly be changed to “Jon and Kate Plus 8 is Enough!”
They’ve signed to star in a remake of The Brady Bunch:
This rumor comes from Jon and Kate’s hair stylist (who should be shot judging from their current Stepford Do). He states that Jon recently came in with a picture of Brady dad Robert Reed and requested he be given a similar 70’s white-fro. Since Jon and Kate already have two more children than the six needed for a Brady Bunch, it has been reported that two of the children will be forced to take the roles of Alice the Housekeeper and Sam the Butcher.
They’re putting the kids up for adoption:
Rumor has it that Jon and Kate’s marital troubles have reached a boiling point and they plan to put all eight children up for adoption. The producers at TLC are reportedly very happy with the ratings possibility of the show as that many adoptable children practically guarantee guest appearances from Madonna and Angelina Jolie.
They’re planning a spin-off series, of sorts:
Reportedly Jon and Kate have considered divorce because of the recent infidelity. If this is true, you can be sure that “Kate Plus 8” will continue to run. But what about Jon? Rumor has it that he will star in a renewed version of “The Simple Life” with Paris Hilton. In the show, Jon will work a series of menial jobs in a futile attempt to keep up with child support payments on eight kids.
A plot of political proportions:
Kate will reveal that she has hired Nixon-era burglar and Conservative talk show host G. Gordon Liddy to break into Jon’s office to steal revealing pictures of Jon with his mistress. This will begin a scandalous investigation that will be known to the news media as Jon and Kate Plus Eight-Gate.
They will star in a reality game show
Rumor has it that Kate Gosselin and Octomom Nadya Suleman’s wombs will compete in an new reality game show called “I’m a Fetus, Get Me Out of Here.” In the show, the two will participate in a series of experimental fertility treatments to see who can stuff the most zygotes into one womb before the mother explodes like that guy in “Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life.”