Joe: I’m a big fan of confetti in a bucket. Lopsided basketball games. Floor burns. And red-and-white striped shorts. As a result I’m an avid Harlem Globetrotters fan.
Chris: I was thinking either the Clippers or Mr. Peppermint.
Joe: Conversely, that means I hate anybody I see wearing a Washington Generals uniform. I just can’t respect anybody who lets the other team pull his pants down at the free throw line at least once every game. They’ve played each other 14,000+ times. You KNOW that the Globetrotters are into that sort of thing. Tie your shorts for crying out loud!
Brad: When you’re 12 and under, the Harlem Globetrotters are the bomb-diggity. Nowadays, I’d say I have nothing against them, but I’d rather see a competitive, cutthroat NCAA tournament game or watch the NBA Finals.
Ralphie: I am so confused. The Harlem Wizards came to my school last year and they were great. My parents asked if I meant the Harlem Globetrotters but I said no. It was so much fun. I love to go see them. Are they the same team or what. I am going to look them up.
Chris: Besides having the effrontery (I just said “effrontery”) to wear uniforms made out items bought at one of Uncle Sam’s garage sales, the Globetrotters may benefit from playing teams that pay their players, such as NBA teams or teams coached by Jim Harrick.
Brad: I think the Globetrotters would be about as competitive in the NBA as the Clippers. Nuff said.
Ralphie: It would be like on Scooby Doo. I think they would do ok because they are doing tricks and stuff to get around the other people and shoot.
Chris: And it helps when defensive stalwarts Shaggy and Scooby are bloated on Scooby Snacks. However, the Globetrotters’ best publicity is still rubbing suntan lotion on the Skipper from “Gilligan’s Island.”
Joe: “Gilligan’s Island” is entertaining. Basketball as a sport is entertaining. The Harlem Globetrotters on “Gilligan’s Island” is surreal, wonderful and magical entertainment. Just imagine: the Harlem Globetrotters are stranded after a plane crash in the South Pacific. They fight off a man-eating shark by chucking basketballs at its head and fins. Then, they save Gilligan and the castaways by beating radio-controlled, bucket-headed robots in a basketball game. (I’m completely serious . . . this was a real movie.) The only thing that could have made it better was Meadowlark Lemon pulling down Mary Ann’s shorts.
Chris: Joe just made our mascot blush.
Brad: I consider the Globetrotters to be entertainment, because it is obvious the other team they play against simply allow the Globetrotters to do some of their more spectacular plays. I think that the majority of the Globetrotters games are simply acting. It’s fun to watch, but it’s fake, folks.
Chris: One of the Globetrotters’ best qualities is that they will stick around to sign autographs after their games. I acquired Twiggy’s signature when I was in junior high, providing me an up-close experience seeing a 7-foot-tall man with chest hair.
Joe: I’m surprised you picked this column. I thought the Harlem Globetrotters were banned from Texas?
Brad: I watched the Globetrotters play when I was about 10. I pretty well figured out from the get-go that their whole purpose was to put on a good show for kids.
Ralphie: I think that they are entertainment, but I don’t really know. I guess since they are doing tricks and still shooting hoops that they are a sports team.
Joe: What do you know . . . Curly Neal has bald-headed grandchildren older than you.
Brad: HAHA, Ralphie you just got toasted!
Joe: The Harlem Globetrotters as a franchise is over. The confetti is gone. The floor burns are gone. Even, the Washington Generals are gone. In their place are a bunch of second-rate former college players who aren’t good enough to make it in the NBA or Europe. That’s like Chris firing me to bring in Ralphie’s younger brother. It doesn’t work.
Chris: Ralphie has a younger brother named “It”?
Brad: That was weak, Chris.
Joe: Everybody knows by now that I’ve played with and against some of the greatest basketball players in history, including one legendary bespectacled villain who forever messed up my vision. But, none of them matched a kid I saw one day in New York City. Sweet River Baines was the greatest player I’ve ever seen play. He had handles, hops and the flair to be the best of all time. He was decades ahead of his time. I don’t remember what happened to him. Mikan probably knocked out his eyeball or spleen or something.
Brad: If I had a nickel every time Joe said that.
Ralphie: OK I saw the Harlem Wizards, not the Harlem Globetrotters. And I looked them up on Google and they are not the same team I don’t think. So I guess I want to see them too.