Every year come NCAA Tournament time in March, it’s become a ritual for sports Web sites or newspapers to come out with their all-name team, and it’s something I always look forward to.
Since there are so many teams and players in college sports, the odds of stumbling across interesting names are pretty high, especially in football. And now that I’ve combed most of the NCAA football rosters, I present to you my picks for the best names in the sport.
This is only going off of the two-deep depth chart of each team, so drop me a line if I left anyone off. Note that there were no good fullback names (and the fullback is an endangered species anyway), so we’re going with extra running backs on this team.
One last thing before I get to the list, however: this team is dedicated to the memory of the just-departed, legendary Tennessee backup quarterback-extraordinaire Jim Bob Cooter. Enjoy.
QB- Colt McCoy, Texas- Good old Colt sounds like he was bred to be a quarterback, and the fact that he plays for the Longhorns makes this name even more fitting. Apologies to Colt Brennan of Hawaii but Texas’ Colt is the real McCoy. This is almost the perfect quarterback name. It’s not funny, but it gets the point acorss loud and clear. Another honorable mention goes to Juice Williams of Illinois, who would have won the top spot if he had gone to Syracuse to play for the Orange.
RB- Richie Rich, North Carolina- Yes, that is his real name. And no, he doesn’t look anything like that little blond kid with the bow-tie and the suit jacket. Now, the only question is whether Mr. Rich goes pro and ends up signing a huge contract. I’ll be rooting for him!
RB- Ray Ray McElrathbey, Clemson- The world would be a better place if more parents gave their kids the same name twice, that’s all I have to say. Just think of the possibilities.
WR- Quan Cosby, Texas- Because the mere thought of Bill Cosby running makes me chuckle. Also, the name Quan just doesn’t seem to go with Cosby, which tickles my funny bone a little for some reason.
WR- Early Doucet, LSU- A southern-fried name if there ever was one. “EARLY! Come ‘n get yer breakfast!!”
WR- Limas Sweed, Texas- Just a cool-sounding name that probably sounds even cooler when pronounced by a native Texan with a thick accent.
TE- Joe John Finley, Oklahoma- Another name that’s southern to the core. If only he played for Alabama or Ole’ Miss…
TE- Bear Pascoe, Fresno State- Who hasn’t argued with their buddies about whether or not a bear would make a good tight end (crickets)?
This name conjures up fond memories of Air Bud:Golden Receiver, if that’s at all possible. Could we have yet another sequel on our hands?
“There’s no rule that says the bear can’t play football!!”
OL- King Dunlap, Auburn- Not much to add about this one. It kind of reminds me of that awful King Ralph movie starring John Goodman.
OL- Hercules Satale, Hawaii- A little bit manufactured here, but still a perfect name for an O-lineman. I am going to go out on a limb and guess that’s he’s a pretty strong fellow.
OL- Andrew Crummey, Maryland- At least he can’t possibly be as bad as his name suggests, considering he plays for a solid team in a BCS conference.
OL- Zane Beadles, Utah- Just a zany name, what can I say?
OL- Jordan White-Frisbee, Washington- Let’s just hope the opposing linemen don’t pick him up and throw him, because I’m pretty sure that would take him far out of the play in a hurry.
DE- Vegas Franklin, Miami- He lives in Miami and is named after arguably the wildest city in the world. This must be one crazy guy.
DE- Peanut Whitehead, Louisville- Yep, it’s not his given name. How’d you guess?
DT- Jock McKissic, Clemson- Born as Jacquez, but now he plays football, hence the shortening of the name, I suppose.
DT- Tez Doolittle, Auburn- Do they call him Doctor?
LB- Logan U’u, Minnesota- I’m usually pretty good with pronunciations, but I’m stumped on this one.
LB- Bo Ruud, Nebraska- Another case of the name perfectly fitting the position.
LB- J Leman, Illinois- That’s right, just the J. That’s all he needs. He’s a pretty good player, so who’s to argue with the name?
CB- Captain Munnerlyn, South Carolina- He must have been in an army family with a name like that.
CB- Chris Baloney, Arizona State- No matter what comment I come up with here, it couldn’t possibly be funnier than his last name, especially considering he’s a corner and corners are usually all about the flash and sizzle.
S- J.J. Justice, Maryland- Does his name make him three times the player that J Leman is?
S- Adrian Aye-Darko, Duke- It’s slim pickings at the safety position, so I chose this name by default and because picturing infamously lazy and soft NBA’er Darko Milicic playing football makes me laugh a little bit.
K- Britt Barefoot, Southern Miss.- If only his style matched his name. But sadly, nobody kicks that way anymore so this is the next best thing.
P- Ken DeBauche, Wisconsin- Apologies to Zoltan Mesko of Michigan, who’s become a cult hero with fans holding up “Z” hand gestures every time he punts, but there’s something hilarious about a punter bringing to mind any type of activities that could be considered debauchery. Punters are always the straight-laced business major-types.
And there you have it, the list for 2007. Once again, let me know if I missed anyone, and we’ll see you come NCAA Tournament time for the basketball list!