On the television show House M.D., Dr. Gregory House is known for saying what he thinks without censoring it. This has led him to utter some of the wittiest comebacks on television.
The character of Gregory House is played by Hugh Laurie. Other cast regulars during season one include Dr. Eric Foreman, played by Omar Epps; Dr. Allison Cameron, played by Jennifer Morrison; Dr. Robert Chase, played by Jesse Spencer; Dr. James Wilson, played by Robert Sean Leonard; Dr. Lisa Cuddy, played by Lisa Edelstein; and Edward Vogler, played by Chi McBride.
The following is a list of some of the best of House’s comebacks from season one. The episode is listed in quotes after the dialogue.
Cuddy: I was expecting you in my office 20 minutes ago.
House: That’s odd, because I had no intentions of being in your office 20 minutes ago.
Cuddy: How is it that you always assume you’re right?
House: I don’t. I just find it hard to operate on the opposite assumption.
Cuddy: You don’t prescribe medicine based on guesses. At least we don’t since Tuskeegee and Mengele.
House: You’re comparing me to a Nazi? (Smiles.) Nice.
Wilson: That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality.
House: Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.
Foreman: I think your argument is specious.
House: I think your tie is ugly.
House: I assume “minimal at best” is your stiff upper lip British way of saying “no chance in hell.”
Chase: Actually, I’m Australian.
House: You put the Queen on your money. You’re British.
Chris Dewey: You’re reading a comic book.
House: And you’re calling attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought we were having a “State the Obvious” contest. I’m competitive by nature.
Wilson: She’s hot, so she’s a hooker? What kind of pathetic logic is that?
House: The envious, jealous, I-never-got-any-in-high-school kind of logic. Hello!
Vogler: Who’d you kill?
House: Nobody, but it’s not even lunch.
Cuddy: In the Senator’s condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him!
House: Why do you do this to me? Now if I kill him, I can’t tell the judge I had no idea of the risks involved.
Cameron: Do you know why people pray to God?
House: I thought you didn’t believe in God.
Cameron: I don’t.
House: Well, then you better be making a very good point.
Cameron: You think they pray to him and praise him because they want him to know how great he is? God already knows that.
House: Are you… comparing me to God? I mean, that’s great, but just so you know, I’ve never made a tree.
House: Sorry – up late. Internet porn.
Chase: How come you’re not in your office?
House: Because there is a computer in my office. If I log on, romance will ensue. My wrist might fall off.
“Babies & Bathwater”
Dr. Spain: Wow. I thought you’d be the last person to have a problem with nonconformity.
House: Nonconformity, right. I can’t remember the last time I saw a twenty-something kid with a tattoo of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one wicked free thinker. You want to be a rebel? Stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he does and get a haircut. Like the Asian kids who don’t leave the library for twenty-hour stretches, they’re the ones who don’t care what you think. Sayonara.
House:(describing a case) And C, we’ve got Carmen Electra golfing.
Student: Whoa, you treated the Baywatch chick?
House: The Baywatch thespian? And no, I’ve got to disguise the identity of each of the patients and I got tired of using the middle-aged man. Carmen seemed like a pleasant alternative. Also, she’s apparently quite the golfer.
Stacy: God, you are such an idiot.
House: Actually, I like to think of myself as more of a jerk.
Wilson: Be yourself: cold, uncaring, distant.
House: Please, don’t put me on a pedestal.
Cameron: What happened to everyone lies?
House: I was lying.
House:(Referring to who feels the patient is sick) His wife.
Cameron: The woman you used to live with.
House: That’s her Indian name. On her driver’s license it’s “Stacy.”
Cameron: Previous tests revealed nothing that could’ve caused the abdominal pain or the mood swings.
House: Then we’re done. Ball game? Zoo? I don’t care, I just want to hang with you guys.
House M.D. is from Heel and Toe Films, Shore Z Productions and Bad Hat Harry Productions in association with NBC Universal Television Studio. The show airs on FOX.