Being a young professional athlete isn’t as easy as it used to be. The moral standard that athletes were held to twenty years ago is long gone and now these individuals face life-altering decisions with every passing day. The stress that these young men (and women…can’t forget about the WNBA) must endure all in the name of entertaining you and I cannot be appreciated by the normal, everyday American. Truth be told most young professional athletes probably feel like there is nobody out there who understands what it is they’re going through.
All of that is about to change, however. I am here to lend my help to the young athletes of the world. I have come up with some simple suggestions on how these young men and women can achieve not only success in their professions but happiness as well. Chances are that within a month or so this article will be stripped off of AC and a person will have to fork over $39.99 for a booklet that contains this information. Therefore it is imperative that all young professional athletes reading this, take notes, or better yet copy and paste this article.
If you are a young professional athlete then get ready. These tips will forever change your life.
First tip for the young professional athlete: Hold dog-fighting competitions at your friend’s place
I know this one is difficult. I love watching two dogs fight to the death as much as the next guy. Nothing would excite me more than having such an event be held at my apartment as dozens of people place money on which dog won’t die. The young professional athlete has every right to enjoy this as much as I do. However, if you are a pro athlete, holding such a competition at your place probably isn’t the best idea. First, there’s that whole “dog-fighting is illegal” aspect to think about. Then there’s the endorsements. Chances are Sprite isn’t going to represent you if your face is synonymous with two dogs fighting to the death.
This doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy the sport of dog-fighting. Having the event take place at your friend’s house has endless benefits. If your friend gets caught you’ll have the money to be able to pay his fines and legal fees. You can also always pay off people in attendance to deny that you were ever there. It’s brilliant! Just make sure nobody videotapes you being there, though. That would be just plain foolish.
Second tip for the young professional athlete: Don’t drive drunk
Obviously this is a good tip for anybody. For some reason, though, young professional athletes forget about the dangers and legal problems that can emerge from driving while intoxicated. I understand that you, the athlete, wants to stay “hip” and “cool” to the youngsters, and driving while drunk puts you next to Lindsey Lohan in the tabloids. You’re very rich, though.
Very. Very. Rich.
Get a driver. Get a limo. Leave your keys at home.
Remember: Chics dig limos.
Third tip for the young professional athlete: Make your place “The Club”
You’re single. You’re rich. You’re an attractive young male in the prime of your life. All you want to do is go out, have some drinks, meet some women, and have the time of your life. Here’s the problem with that. Your friends are most likely idiots that will, in some way or another, cause a problem. It doesn’t help matters that you bring 20 people to the club with you. There is a simple solution to this.
Have some of your not-so-dumb friends spread the word to only a set amount of people that the party is at your crib tonight. This helps make it a more controlled environment thus keeping everybody safe. Don’t worry about your place getting all messed up. You’re loaded. Pay somebody to clean it.
Or just hold the party where the dog-fights are. Talk about two birds with one stone. You’re welcome.
Fourth tip for the young professional athlete: Put the joints down
I don’t know what else to say about this. You are a remarkable athlete that is admired by millions of people. You are more wealthy than most of the individuals that shell out money to watch you play and buy your merchandise. You shouldn’t need to get high. If you really do need to get high, just sign with Denver and play in the Mile-High city. Problem solved.
Fifth tip for the young professional athlete: When married it’s not the smartest move to hang out with a stripper
Not everybody can be you, the pro athlete. We all have to pay the bills, though. There is no shame in somebody being a stripper nor is there any shame in befriending a stripper. However, if you’re married, you might want to keep your friendship with such a person on a phone-only basis. Otherwise, photographers snap pictures, articles get written, and people get the wrong idea about you and your buddy.
Sixth tip for the young professional athlete: You don’t need a gun
Being a young professional athlete means that countless eyes are on you at all times. It’s reasonable that, at times, you may feel threatened. Nevertheless you really shouldn’t have any concealed weapon. If you’re that concerned than hire somebody to protect you. You know, somebody who actually knows how to fire a gun accurately. Besides, if you really want to hold a gun you have nothing to worry about. Your idiot friends are probably strapped anyway.
Seventh tip for the young professional athlete: Stay quiet when it comes to matters of politics, race relations, abortion, gay marriage, etc.
I know that you worked hard to earn that communications degree from the outstanding Division II school that paid your way through college. Regardless there are still probably some social issues that you’re just not knowledgeable enough to comment on. It will kill you inside but biting your tongue is for the best. You need to save your voice for pointing
out the faults of other athletes, ripping on your teammates, your coach, and the officials, or demanding to be traded…or not be traded…or be traded.
By utilizing these simple tips young professional athletes can begin to experience a stress-free life. Obviously this is just a starting point. Eventually I will write another article with even more important tips for the young professional athlete. For now I must be going, though. Fred Smoot has offered me a ride on his boat. This should be fun.