Many people do not know what to say when a friend has lost a loved one. Some of the things that they do say, can leave that person feeling puzzled or asking themselves why you had even said it. Here is a list of things that you should try to avoid saying to someone who has lost a loved one.
I am sorry for your loss
This is number one on my list for a reason. Most people say this because they do not know what else to say to them. The person who recently lost a loved one, has heard this so much that it is driving them crazy. The word sorry, is usually said after you do something that you did not mean to do or you regret it. Unless you are personally responsible for this, try to not say it.
How are you doing
This should not be said because that person just lost a loved one, they probably are not doing so good at the moment. I had some one say this to me after the funeral and I could not explain to you how I felt about it. It doesn’t seem very appropriate to say.
They are in a better place
No place seems better than with them. Even though they might be in Heaven, it still hurts and it doesn’t seem right that they are not with them. A better place does not seem real at the moment and this is the last thing that is on their mind.
Are you better now
Under no circumstances, should you say this. It is not something that you wake up from and suddenly you are better. You do not get better, you start learning to cope with it but you do not get better.
A lady from church said this to my husband after we lost our son and I thought his head was going to spin around and come off. He didn’t say anything but the look that he gave, explained it all. I told my husband that she probably did not mean anything by it and he said that he knows that but it still seems like an odd question to ask someone.
Don’t do anything stupid
Most of the people who know me, know that I suffer from depression. Because of this, I was bluntly told to not do anything stupid. I was not even thinking of suicidal thoughts at that moment and it did not help my situation with them saying this.
Things will get better
A lot of lives have been changed by this and they do not feel like it will get better. They may find a better way of coping with things but in actuality, their lives has been changed forever. Things may not get better but over time, they will probably get easier. Most of the people that I know, know that I suffer from depression. Someone told me this and then said that I should think about my other kids. I will agree with the fact that I was feeling depressed but I had just lost my son, I had the right to feel depressed. A thought of suicide had never even crossed my mind and it made me angry inside when they said this.
Maybe this is a sign for you to change your ways
Why on God’s green earth would someone say this, is beyond me. My son’s biological mother had this told to her by her grandmother. I felt bad that this was said. It was inappropriate and unnecessary. It should not have been said. Saying this means that it happened because of the things that they do in their lives. Unless they are personally responsible for the death, this should not be said to them at all.
Things happen for a reason
I am a firm believer of this but I did not want to hear it after my son died. All I could think about was, how could this happen to someone that I loved so much? There might have been a reason for this happening but at the moment I didn’t want to hear about any reasoning.
Don’t start quoting the Bible
I love the Bible and it’s teachings but at that very moment, I was angry at everybody and everything. I had a right to be angry and did not want to hear any reasoning to why this happened or what I should do about it. I wanted my son back and I did not care what the Bible said at that time.
God is taking care of them now
This goes with the saying that they are in Heaven now. That person does not care at the time. They want their loved one back and they feel that it just isn’t right that they were taken so soon. No matter how old that person was when they died, it just never seems right.
If someone you know, has a loved one that died, think before you say anything. They are emotionally drained and probably tired from crying and not knowing what to do anymore.
Instead of saying some of these things, offer them a hug and tell them that you love them and that you are there for them. They need you to be there for them at this time in their life. This is the most appropriate thing that you could say to them. If anything else, just tell them that you really don’t know what to say at this time.