A renowned philosopher once said,” the seeds of wars are sown in the minds of men.” Similarly the seeds of divorce are sown in the minds of spouses. This becomes relevant in the context of increasing cases of divorces all over the world.
Divorce occurs when severe temperamental incompatibility exists between spouses. They are intolerant of each other or one is dominating even when the other relents. The difference in perspectives reflects in arguments and later in conflicts with no possibility of compromise. It is a situation fanned and fueled by imagination and emotions. In reality the situation melts away if both the spouses are determined to preserve the marriage.
Divorce is an unhappy event.It has become a disease of modern civilization. One evil effect of divorce is that the children suffer. The lose their moorings and are awestruck when they know their parents have separated after a fight. Their career prospects and mould are affected. They are reduced to a stage of orphans though funds may be provided by one of the spouses for their maintenance and development. What they lack will be love and care which money cannot substitute.
In some countries it spreads like an epidemic. Normally no one wants, likes it or advocates it. There are extreme cases where it becomes inevitable and is the only alternative. But in most cases it is a matter of temperamental incompatibility and lack of understanding. These areas offer considerable scope for evolving solutions for avoiding divorce.
First step is to consider marriage as a sacred event and a turning point in one’s life. Goals of married life should be set at soon after the wedding engagement There is no ideal marriage and this should be realized by both the spouses at the earliest There should not be too many and too high expectations. The spouses should think positively and always settle differences by discussion and mutual understanding.
Secondly wedding anniversaries should be used as occasions for review and consolidation of relationships. Differences if any should be ironed out and amicably settled. If this is done once a year at least, they will not grow into serious problems and crises. Anything detected at the earliest stage permits easy and quick solution.
Thirdly each spouse should separate the individual from the actions. One can condemn actions and not the individual. Then critical examination of the action will give rise to corrective measures. It is only when the individual is identified with the actions emotions grow and burst into inflammable temper and finally end in divorce.
Fourth spouses should have firm belief that there is no problem that cannot be solved especially between them. By discussion and evaluation of facts it should be possible to deal with any situation lintelligently. Differences will vanish like mist.
Fifthly when tempers rise and become hot to the flash point change the topic to something pleasant and stimulating or leave the scene. A seasoned octogenarian used to write about healthy family relationships. He suggested such walkouts as a very rewarding experience to normalize relationship between spouses. Absence of a few hours or even a day from the scene cools down tempers. Both reflect on their past actions and realize the futility of what they have done or envisaged. They will not harp on the differences. Thus this technique takes the wind out of the sail of the argument. This will cool down tempers and avoid chances for divorce.
Sixth, Trust and confidence in each other should be the basis of marital relationship. This calls for maximum adjustment, give and take attitude, and the constant realization that preserving the marriage is a cooperative endeavor.
Finally, there is nothing wrong if one of the spouses gives in to soften the situation. One should not wait for the other to take the initiative out of ego considerations.
The family is the smallest but most cohesive unit of administration. In that everyone learns discipline, responsibility, duty, commitment etc. Children learn from parents the need for mutual respect, mutual understanding and the willingness to help each other. This relationship should not be disrupted. It is difficult and there will be problems. But if the basic objectives are kept in mind most of the divorces can be avoided.
After all even in this century there are spouses who have completed over 60 years of successful married life and have the good fortune of seeing their children, grand children and great grand children grow and prosper. Life devoid of divorce tends to promote physical and mental health and ensure longevity. Let us make a humble but earnest effort to impart this message to our children so that the future generations will never think of divorce as a solution to their marital problems and conflicts.