After watching Robin Williams in “Man of the People,” I started wondering what it would be like if different celebrities ran for the presidency of the United Sates of America. It’s not very likely that the American people would vote one of them into the presidency. But then again, who knows? Who would have ever thought that Arnold Swartznager, Sonny Bono and Jesse Ventura would ever hold a public office.
In a spirit of fun and fantasy, here is what it might be like if a few popular (and not so popular) celebrities decided to run for the presidency of the United States of America.
Candidate 1: Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton’s Campaign Slogan: “Like, it would be so hot to be your president.”
Paris Hilton’s Campaign Issues: Bad shopping malls, with like, no Fendi and Prada stores. The state of American music, which must of course be in trouble because Paris’s album flopped. And what is with that Wal-Mart place again, do they sell walls there? If they don’t then that’s false advertising!
Paris Hilton’s Campaign Promises: A Hilton hotel in every town. Hot parties for the foreign diplomats, but only the cute ones. An end to the war in Iraq, because, like, those uniforms are so ugly.
Political Scandal Index: Paris Hilton’s brief imprisonment for driving with a suspended driver’s license. Hey, at least we know she can drive. Many voters would be reassured by this, since rumors surfaced that Paris Hilton couldn’t walk and chew gum at the same time.
Paris Hilton’s infamous and widely published sex tape. Maybe since she got it out of her system before office, she won’t surprise us with one after being elected. And if another sex tape turned up it wouldn’t be such a shocking surprise the second time around since everyone knows what to expect.
Paris Hilton’s Potential Political Cabinet: Her parents Nick and Kathy Hilton. Nick Hilton would be her puppet master,uh, I mean vice president in the tradition of the great vice presidents like Dick Chaney. Kathy Hilton would serve as the Defense secretary. After seeing how rabid she was in defending Paris, we all know she has it in her. Paris Hilton’s sister, Nicky Hilton would be the Secretary of the Interior, with all that interior design stuff and all.
Paris Hilton’s Political Ideology & Party: Republican-It’s all about being rich, famous and elitist, and most of all a Hilton and making lots of money from overexposure.
Paris Hilton, When Asked, “Why do you want to be the president?”: “Because, like, I would dress so much better than that old guy who was the last president, what was his name, Mr. Flower or Mr. Tree or something like that? And Besides, I’m hot and that’s hot”
Candidate 2: Martha Stewart
Martha Stewart’s Campaign Slogan: “It’s a good thing with Martha as your president.”
Martha Stewart’s Campaign Issues: Changing the rules on stock trading to allow for insider trades. Making matching towels mandatory in all American bathrooms. Making sure every housewife knows how to bake an apple pie from scratch after growing her own apples and grinding her own flour. And a whole television channel dedicated solely to reruns of Martha Stewart’s televisions shows.
Martha Stewart’s Campaign Promises: To redecorate the White House using only the Martha Stewart collection, now available at K-Mart. To add knitting, basket weaving and bed sheet folding classes in every public school. To bring peace to the world by sending other nations baskets of Martha’s homemade cookies and muffins.
Martha Stewart’s Political Scandal Index: Martha Stewart’s brief imprisonment for insider trading. Well, at least we would know from the beginning to watch President Martha Stewart with the finances.
Martha Stewart’s Potential Political Cabinet: Martha Stewart would make history as the first American President to not have a cabinet. Hard working, overachieving Martha Stewart would do all the jobs herself in addition to being president. And she’d still have time to go home and bake cakes and make sweaters from dog fur.
Martha Stewart’s Political Ideology & Party: Republican-Let Martha show you lazy peasants how a country is really run. (*sound of cracking whip*)
Martha Stewart When Asked,”Why do you want to be the president?”: “Naturally, I should be the president because I’m the only perfect person in the world.” (*insert evil laugh*)
Candidate 3: Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise’s Campaign Slogan: “I’m straight, really.”
Tom Cruise’s Campaign Issues: Abolishing the field of psychiatry. Finding good movie parts for himself and his wife, Katie Holmes. Finally convincing the world he’s both straight and sane. And oh, yeah, making Scientology the national religion.
Tom Cruise’s Political Scandal Index: Tom Cruise’s bashing of psychiatry and women suffering from post-partum depression. Because we all know Tom’s not crazy, really. The “Theatans” really do talk to him in his head. He doesn’t need psychiatric medication at all, really.
Tom Cruise’s Potential Political Cabinet: Fellow Scientologists such as John Travolta, Jenna Elfman and Kirsty Alley. And let’s not forget the spirit of L. Ron Hubbord.
Tom Cruise’s Political Ideology & Party: Independent, very independent. – when the spaceships come, we’ll all understand his crazy talk.
Tom Cruise When Asked,”Why do you want to be the president?”: “It just seemed a natural career move after Mission Impossible II. And besides, Katie really wants to be first lady.” (Jumps on couch and shouts, “I’m king of the world!”)
Candidate 4: Lindsey Lohan
Lindsey Lohan’s Campaign Slogan: “Booze on every table and crack in everyone’s pot. I am not a crackpot, I only smoke it.”
Lindsey Lohan’s Campaign Issues: Making underage drinking and illegal drugs legal. Making everyone forget that awful movie of hers, “A Prairie Home Companion.” Deporting her rivals such as Paris Hilton and Britney Spears so that all the cute men are hers, all hers.
Lindsey Lohan’s Political Scandal Index: Lindsey Lohan’s drunk and drugged driving. We all know that Lindsey Lohan has grown up, learned her lesson and put this behind her, she would never do such a thing again. Wait, what’s that on the news, Lindsey Lohan’s drunkenly commandeered Air Force One?
Lindsey Lohan’s Potential Political Cabinet: Lindsey’s mom Dina Lohan would be her vice president. After years as a stage mother, this job should be easy for her. And don’t forget Lindsy’s little sister Ali and her alcoholic father, Michael also.
Lindsey Lohan’s Political Ideology & Party: “Party, there’s a party! Woo hoo! I’ll bring the booze! Ideas, I don’t have ideas, what are ideas?”
Lindsey Lohan When Asked, “Why do you want to be the president?”: (in slurred, incoherent speech) “What, what are you talking about? I’m running for what again?” (Lindsey then vomits on the interviewer and then flashes her boobs on camera.)