It is a sad commentary that this particular title is listed under “Married Life”, rather than “Marital Conflict”. To many people, the act of cheating has become more of an expected occurrence than the terrible act that it truly is. Whether or not you think having an affair is an “Oops”, or “My world is coming to an end”, how are you gong to handle it?
I recall my sister found her husband on the internet viewing porn. Also, later she found he had called a few nine-hundred numbers. She was devastated. “It is the same thing as having an affair”, she said. Is it? I think not. Now, my brother-in-law was a jerk for what he did; that type of activity is indicative of other problems, but, sex outside of marriage with a different person is much different than looking at a picture of a naked person. You have violated not only the sanctity of your vows, but, you have stolen the most intimate part of your relationship by sharing your body; and, experiencing someone else’s.
For a woman, who discovers infidelity has occurred, the act damages her to the core. While the male, being a more “visual” being is going to have battle terrible images, not only will a wife have to combat the thought of the act, she will probably experience a more “entire being” demoralization. “Why did he do it?” “Is it because I’m not attractive any longer?” “Didn’t I satisfy him?” The wife will beat herself up. She’s wrong. Time and time again it’s proven that marital infidelity has little to do with looks or sexual dissatisfaction. People are hedonistic, plus, society sends all the wrong signals.
When you find your husband has cheated, first, understand that here is absolutely nothing wrong with you. He is the cheater; he is without excuse; he is the one who has a flaw. Next, it is important to move fast regarding any mutual resources. You never know if this is a serious affair with a long-term or permanent third party. He’s taken your marriage, he doesn’t’ deserve the rest of your life, at least at this point.
At this time watch him. Is he contrite? Is he asking for forgiveness? Did he own up to it? Does he even seem to care? The answer to those questions will give you an initial idea if you even want to proceed with any communication.
I think it is very important to assemble a support group from family and friends. While you don’t want to create a “hate group”, remember, they are there for you. If your husband gets a moral “black-eye” that is his problem. You are a victim. While you don’t want to continue in that role, neither do you want to pretend that nothing has happened.
Take time. After you have talked to him; after you’ve spent time with a counselor, family and friends; then you can begin to determine if you want to try to repair the damage or not. At this point, you’ve taken an unexpected gut-wrenching occurrence dealt you, and taken control. At least the next move is yours.