Imagine if the Army created firepower capability in guitar necks, who would be the front runners and back burner decoys?
The Front Runners:
Field Marshal, or General of the Army (highest rank) goes to the tallest guy around, Ted Nugent. Ted Nugent’s arrows and smokin’ tunes is a sure vision of what has come to pass, as this veteran of rock-n-roll knows when to turn to the tides as a Free for All. Freedom is the game and Ted’s got the enemy in range, but since Ted isn’t getting any younger we place him as Field Marshal to sit on top of a mountain to monitor the enemy territory, bow intact.
General, Lieutenant General, Major Brigadier General, Brigadier General, Colonel, Lieutenant Colonel and Major would be banished from their label due to lack of finances. In this Army, strings are not cheap, as each string comes with a top notch Gibson grenade that could wipe out an entire village with just a toss.
Captain Kirk Hammett, from Metallica, knows how to mastermind since he is the Master of Puppets. As shown in this Hammett instruction video, Kirk makes it easy to understand how to pluck off an enemy, one string at a time.
Eddie Van Halen would be the First Lieutenant with a Frankenstrat alteration of colors from red, black and white stripes to red, white and blue. Eddie would have machine gun capability (as a back-up plan) every time he broke out with the tune Eruption. Since Eddie is no spring chicken, he would have to leave it up to the Second Lieutenant and his team to bring in the first bidding.
Influenced by Eddie Van Halen, Michael Angelo Batio would be the Second Lieutenant. Michael is power hungry with the tune Burn. Michael leaves no note behind as he knows how to manage on scales unimaginable. Michael is a shredder and well-known online as this guy rages havoc on a guitar neck. Ratta-tat-tat * click * boom * shackalacka * Michael could level a the field in two-seconds flat if his guitar was an automatic weapon. If the soldiers fail, Batio will compensate.
First String Lines:
The first string in this Army would consist of Tiago Della Vega (as shown by YouTube.com). He smokes it, nothing less, and with a machine gun guitar neck, this guy can hit the wings off of a fly at 320 bpm (beats per minute).
The Guinness Book of World Records brings us another recruit for this machine gun guitar neck Army with Jose del Rio. In this clip Jose is playing Duelling Banjos at 250 bpm. Now that’s a guy this Army would have on their team!
What Army would be an Army without some American pie ray gun capability banjo? Todd Taylor would be the 210 bpm back-up man, as his banjo would accompany the latest in ray gun technology at close range. Banjos would offer the ray gun much better than the guitar since the face of the banjo is completely round and hollow enough to stash a computer inside. If Todd never made it into the Guinness Book of World Records, he made it on our team.
The back burner decoys are the guys that slack off or try to fake out the enemy by air guitar techniques or really bad guitar playing. One fellow found on YouTube.com tries to play Torn by Creed. This guy makes the team as a diversion device to mislead the enemies into thinking that he is locked and loaded. A sitting duck, a decoy, every Army needs one.
Another really bad guitar playing guy for this Army would also be found on YouTube as he shares his power in chords. This guy reminds many of the total player saying more than what reality can provide leading some into false hopes that he is the king of power, the ruler of all strings. This gang that couldn’t shoot straight would be in areas where the mentally challenged enemies would sense a fair game.
As for this guitar Army, that’s a wrap.