We all wish we could have it all: the pulse-racing, heart-stopping, floating feeling of sheer ecstasy when we fall in love. The one which draws us immediately in a whirlpool of wonderful feelings. Some of us are very fortunate to find it on occasions. Others – like me – have it almost every time we meet a soul mate, while many others never seem to get near it, no matter how hard they try.
Well, it could be that they need four crucial things:
3. Emotional Openness
4. Faith in the Future
The most important factor when we are hoping to fall in love is self-love. If we need someone to ‘complete’ our life instead of to enhance it, someone to ‘make’ us happy, instead of sharing our happiness or someone to make us feel good instead of sharing our joy, we have a problem with self-love. In fact, a lack of self-love is the biggest cause of personal problems in life because too many people readily carry that burden. They do not like themself much and dislike certain key aspects of their bodies, but, paradoxically, expect others to like what they reject!!
We can only truly love when we ourselves have love because the greatest love is not waiting outside to find us. It actually lies dormant inside of us, yearning to be discovered and nurtured. Everything else is just the icing on the cake, but YOU are that cake! When that fact is fully realised, acknowledged and accepted, you are well on the road to giving love and also loving another unconditionally. Above all, you will find it really easy to fall in love, with all the fanfare and starlight you dream of.
But loving the self is not so easy to do when you’ve had little reinforcement of your worth since childhood, you get little affirmation from work, home or loved ones or you are always taken for granted or ignored. If you have also been hurt a number of times, it reinforces all those unsavoury experiences. Difficult to love that little self when no one else seems to love it! But self-love is the most important thing you have to work for in your life, especially if you wish to get rid of unnecessary anxieties, to grow with confidence in who you are, to lead an independent life without clinging to another and to feel worthy of the life you actually have.
Self-love comes from two things, above all: knowing who you are and knowing what you want, and making sure they stand out clearly to everyone you meet. Those who are seeking what you have to give will be joyful while making you even happier. It also means that you will only attract people who love those traits about you. The others will stay away, which dramatically cuts down the time-wasting in trying to select suitable partners. It makes the chance of you falling in love much higher and you won’t ever have to apologise for who you are and wish to be. Moreover, if you do not know what you want in your life, you won’t be able to recognise it when you see it. You have to be sure of it to know it first!
So, the first lesson in setting the scene for falling in love is to BE who you are, LOVE who you are and don’t worry about who might not respond positively because those who like what they see will flock to you. Moreover, when you merely try to please others, you give mixed messages, you go against what you value and end up pleasing no one, least of all yourself!
Many people find it difficult to be expressive, to communicate easily, to say how they really feel, to express what might be hurting them or to give life to those cherished dreams. But being expressive is a key part of falling in love. Through communication, your partner knows what you desire, what makes you happy, what you are enjoying about the contact, how you are feeling and what you really like about him/her too. It cannot be taken for granted or merely implied. Falling in love means you want to shout your feelings from the roof tops and do just that!
A lack of expressiveness comes through low confidence and a desire to please – mainly for approval. We tend to feel we do not merit being heard or that what we have to say is not that important enough for others to hear, so we keep it repressed while we miss opportunities for enjoyable activities. If we have been hurt, expression then becomes a form of repressed anger and resentment instead of love. This attitude also tends to carry over into our loving. We become mean with praise and appreciation, and seldom affirm our partners. Yet we yearn for that reinforcement ourselves, even feeling peeved when we don’t get it. For example, how often, as women, do we want to hear that we look great when we are dressed, or on a date, yet how regularly do we reciprocate in kind? We are likely to believe that any praise of our partners is not deserved. And why not? Is a relationship meant for punishment and negativity?
Most people who lack confidence depend on others to validate them, to affirm that they are worthy. They are unlikely to believe it themselves, so they deny expression and key communication in order to either avoid ‘saying the wrong thing’, or ‘upsetting anyone’. They hope that by not saying anything they will win people over and make a better impression. But it often has the opposite effect of robbing that person of credibility and impact. In fact, not expressing our honest thoughts merely confirms perceptions, gives the wrong impression and creates misunderstandings.
Having passionate and wonderful love affairs in a heart-stopping way contains deep affection which comes through unconditional expressiveness and emotional openness. Yet, when we are hurt (which is a fact of life, nothing unusual!) we tend to retreat inwards, becoming wary of any future liaison. We lock down the emotional hatches while we grow cold and detached, more vulnerable, victim-like and introspective. We find excuses not to be involved or to fall for someone. Yet that is the time to put the experience squarely behind you, learn from it and move on as quickly as possible. Not to dwell on it in a powerless state of resentment. Otherwise, you will become more angry and develop a scapegoat mentality, one which denies everyone else you meet their individuality as you gradually blame them by proxy.
If you feel vulnerable and powerless after any hurt, resist it. Vulnerability comes through fear – a fear of the future, the inability to accept the uniqueness of others and letting them prove themselves to us. And wherever there is undue fear there is enforced coldness, detachment and a lack of enjoyment. Yet, falling in love has warmth and love at its core. We cannot fall in love without emotions, and open ones too. We have to be prepared to GIVE unconditionally in order to feel those wonderful vibes. Anything else will be luke-warm.
If you are grudging in your emotions, the communication will falter or be superficial, and you really won’t get what you seek. Any fear means you cannot be expressive, you are not able to trust, you cannot let go and you cannot enjoy the moment. You are concentrating so much upon avoiding the possible hurt, you completely miss the pleasure that comes BEFORE any hurt, while turning your fears into self-fulfilling prophecies! In the end, you might not get hurt, as you jealously guard that vulnerability, but you will not have much pleasure either and remain fossilised in the same spot, going nowhere, doing nothing new while becoming increasingly unattractive in the process.
Faith in the future
Faith in the future is crucial for new relationships. We have to resist controlling every movement in order to be surprised by what life might have in store for us. People who feel ‘vulnerable’, who feel powerless, who are always worrying about what they might ‘lose’ and how they might be viewed and treated, find it hard to be expressive, trusting and passionate because they have to control everything to feel good. They tend to resist the future, immediate and long-term, in case they are hurt again. Having little faith in their future, they tend to take more than they give, and to be cynical of the motives of others. They are also likely to fear commitment and will seldom experience the joy of falling in love through their inability to let go and live their life spontaneously. Being so busy trying to control its direction, they simply rob their life of its emotion, joy and spontaneity.
The best way to approach any relationship is to be prepared for both pleasure and pain. The two are crucial sides of the same coin and you cannot have one without the other. People who fear pain live in an unrealistic world of emptiness and fear, seeking only pleasure without the costs or consequences. But there is ALWAYS a price to pay in life for whatever we have, whether good or bad. That’s Nature’s way of establishing balance, and the more we accept that death is as much an integral part of life as rebirth, the more happiness we will find. There is always great enjoyment when you simply accept the moment AS IT IS, no matter how long it lasts. There is ALWAYS a better moment round the corner, believe me, so it is useless fretting over this one. For many women (and a lot of men too) it is insecurity and a lack of self-love which prevent them from really enjoying their lives. They burden every new partner and date with their unrealistic anxieties and expectations in their search for perfection, carrying around their baggage of hurt, expecting to be hurt again. Surprise, surprise, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Simply love yourself and be warm, kind and compassionate to the next person you meet. It really pays dividends. Express yourself freely and affirm others at every opportunity. Be open with your emotions and less controlling of yourself and others. That allows for some great surprises. Be easier on yourself by reducing your fears and welcoming love into your life. Falling in love will not only be easy, it will also be a real cinch because you would have already laid the crucial groundwork for attracting that ideal partner!!