Although for much of my life I espoused Republican political values and beliefs and supported Republican candidates, at no time did I ever register with the GOP. Nor have I ever been a registered Democrat, much to the dismay of many of my ill-informed political opponents on Associated Content. I am now and have always been an independent. I am, however, seriously considering registering with the Republican Party.
Now before you have a cow and start thinking that Karl Rove’s brainwashing team finally got to me, understand that even if I do register Republican I will still hold the same political opinions that I’ve expressed in my writing. My desire to become a registered Republican and my advice for all of you to join me has nothing to do with ideology. I just figured out that I can vastly improve my life by joining the Republican Party. I mean think about it. Let’s say you commit a crime. Well, chances are if you are Republican you will never be convicted. And even if the unthinkable occurs and you are convicted, you still stand a great chance of having your conviction tossed out by one of the Republican judges up the appeals line. Right, Ollie? And while you are waiting for that appeal, you don’t even have to actually go to jail. Look at Scooter Libby. A convicted felon who definitely has the means and reason to commit flight. And yet there he is proudly strutting around free as a bird. Heck, even after he was actually sentenced to jail-a jail term it was obvious from the look on his face he never expected in a million years to actually get-Scooter Libby is freer than any suspect still waiting just to be charged in Guantanamo. Being a Republican has its privileges, obviously. Like avoiding jail even after being convicted and sentenced. Pretty flipping sweet, I’d say.
Another great thing about being a registered Republican is that you can commit any ethical lapse-by which I mean sin-by which I mean crime-and all you have to do to be forgiven by the faithful is say I’m sorry. No really, it’s true. And you do have to be a Republican for this to work. I mean here’s poor Bill Clinton who committed an act of adultery almost a decade ago and who asked to be forgiven and yet most Republican voters still consider his quite private act to be far worse than anything Pres. Bush has done. On the other hand, look at the list of Republicans who’ve done far worse and who are immediately forgiven and welcomed back into the bosom of the faithful: Everyone from fat little Jim Bakker to fat little Tom DeLay. You can do ANYTHING, no matter how disgusting and if you are a Republican it will all be forgiven and forgotten if only you say the magic words: I’m sorry. (If you want to go ahead and audibly add the words “I got caught” that’s okay too. It just shows you’ve got a sense of humor.)
But hold on a minute. You don’t even have to admit to having done anything wrong or ask forgiveness if you are a Republican. Look at George W. Bush. The man told the biggest lie in the entire history of American politics by saying that Iraq presented an eminent threat to America. Even though it is now obvious that was an untruth and that he knew it to be an untruth, he not only hasn’t apologized, he hasn’t even admitted to lying. And yet he still has the unwavering support of millions of Americans! Now that’s a flipping sweet deal. If you are a registered Republican you can actually send young American men and women to their deaths, deny you did anything wrong, and still be beloved. I ask you, why wouldn’t you consider becoming a registered Republican? I mean there’s no downside. You can lie, cheat, steal, swindle and even bugger teenaged boys and nobody inside the GOP cares! Still not convinced?
Okay, how about this one. This one, I guarantee you, will convince you. If you are a Republican, you can actually shoot a guy in the face and not report it for almost twenty-hours and face no consequences. Isn’t that cool? If you were a Democrat and you were engaged in hit and run that didn’t leave a mark on the victim, you’d be tossed in jail. But a Republican can actually shoot a gun full of birdshot into the face of an elderly man and he doesn’t even have to worry about reporting it. The Republican Party is definitely the place to be. It’s like a wild party where everything goes and your parents never come home and neighbors never call the police.